I was happily looking ahead to next year and all my children being happily in public schools for the first time ever. I spent my mornings contemplating all the time I would have for my blogging, reading, painting, organization, etc., etc. And then it happened, a small little nagging feeling in the core of my being. I started to think of how much I was going to miss my 5-year-old being with me throughout the day, about how much I actually enjoy our morning snuggles, our reading on the couch, our afternoon game time. The desire to homeschool once again started to bubble in my spirit, but I pushed it back down right quick. No, I did not want to give up my time, oh all that glorious time. Visions of me relaxing on the couch reading a book filled my mind, but that feeling wouldn’t stop, it was relentless. Then it expanded that little desire became not just homeschooling our 5-year-old but our 8-year-old as well.
I had many conversations with Daddy about this desire, and what it exactly meant and looked like for our family. I felt fear come in about this desire to homeschool, so much so I was overwhelmed. You see the last time we homeschooled I had all four kiddos home and it was so very difficult on me and not very enjoyable for any of us. That fear made me doubt my abilities, my sanity, my desire as being authentic. I teetered between wanting that time all to myself and the desire to have my children home. Back and forth I felt tugged between them both.
I just keep going to Him, day after day, asking him to show me what it’s all supposed to look like. Asking him what I truly desire, and if my desires are his desires. Asking Him to show me what is His best for our family. I let him persuade me of His truth, that I am fully capable to carry this out. That I can take and find the time for myself despite being with my kids 24/7. That he will provide those moments that I desire of relaxing on the couch with a good book in spite of homeschooling. That I could have both in a sense.
He showed me that this journey of trusting him in my relationship was much the same as this journey to trust him with homeschooling. That there needed to be a deconstruction of all that I knew about education, all those years of book learning needed to be torn down so that he could reteach me what school was to look like for our children. Much like my journey about of “religion” and into beautiful relationship with Him.
He showed me that my greatest asset is not my Master’s Degree in Education, nor my organizational skills or creativity, it is Him. Yes, all those things are awesome and important but to have the source of all truth and wisdom is infinitely more valuable. To be able to go to him when something with my kids learning isn’t working and say, now what? To know that I don’t have to have all the answers because he does. The best news is we all have that same access to Him.
He showed me that sometimes the decision to homeschool isn’t just about what you will teach the child academically that year, that it can be more about what you will teach that child relationally. What you will speak into that child identity wise, that it could be more about a season of protection and building up than it can be about imparting academic wisdom. How closely this relates to our fathers very heart for us.
Maybe it’s simply about allowing the child to feel empowered by letting them select a topic they enjoy and just coming along for the ride. Maybe it’s about letting the child go unrestrained into this new way of learning and not requiring them to stop for the day when the scheduled lesson is done. Maybe it’s about knowing that some days will be spent on hours of grammar because that’s what she wants to do and the next day grammar won’t even come into play as the outdoors is calling and knowing that, that is OK. Maybe it’s about building relationships and learning to simply trust yourself and your abilities. To learn to love learning all over again from the ground up.
Oh, how closely that can mimic where God has me at right now with Him. His focus is on teaching me about real relationship with him and what that looks like, it’s about deconstructing the misperceptions I had and focusing me on my true identity and value. In this journey, he is protecting me and building me up day by day. He is less concerned about my “book” knowledge and more concerned about my relational knowledge. He is empowering me in my abilities to hear and connect with Him and is allowing me to run this race unbridled and full of excitement and passion, no rules and regulations or to do lists hinder this race any longer. The chains are broken and I have been set free.
Some days this race is run full speed ahead and others days it resembles more of a slow trot, but either way he is showing me that both are perfect. He is showing me that this pace that I am on is my own and that I can trust it and Him. That it’s about learning to trust myself, and to trust who He is showing me that I am. I am learning to love this glorious adventure and I am somewhat sure I will also enjoy this new season of going back into homeschooling. One thing for sure is it’s a glorious adventure and I have the best teacher right here inside of me.