This is one of the most difficult posts I have ever shared. It lets you in to such an intimate place in my heart that it is scary for me to put it out there, but I hear Daddy calling me into the deeper still and I trust Him. I know that there is someone that needs to read this and so I will share those places of myself that I often keep private for you, for your freedom. I pray that it will speak truth into you. What follows is my private journal from this morning, it’s my intimate conversation with the one who created me and knows me better than myself. It’s about my battle with beauty and worth, and value. I encourage you to put your name in where mine is as you read this post. Blessings!
If I could convince you of anything today it would be how loved you are, how special you are, how gorgeous you are. When you look at yourself in the mirror and see your physical imperfections, when you analyze your shortcomings, condemn your actions; beat yourself up for not seeing the progress you have hoped for, my heart breaks. You do not see the Julie I see, you do not know the Julie I know, because if you did none of those things would even matter, they would fade away in my glory.
My beloved you are Loved. I know you struggle with your weight and the scale and how your physical body looks but that is not who you are, I know even as you type this you don’t understand but a day is coming very shortly where you will. You will get that the physical body is not you, it’s a shell to allow your spirit to have a shape while on this earth. I know that you have been bombarded with what it is suppose to look like, that it is somehow your responsibility to take care of it yourself, but that is a lie, that is a lie from hell, that is self-reliance. That is you focused! Why would I take care of every minute detail of your life only to say OK your outward body is your own responsibility?
(But Daddy aren’t I the one who must sleep and eat and rest to take care of it? Don’t I make the choice of what I put into my mouth and if I exercise? Aren’t those my responsibility?)
NO, nothing is your responsibility, your responsibility, your work is only to believe that I have done it all, even in the thoughts of your physical body. Yes, you choose what to eat, but who persuades you? Yes, you choose to exercise, but who persuades you? Yes, you choose to rest and sleep, but who persuades you? Me. My sweet I hear you ask, why haven’t I persuaded you in these areas in the manner you think I should have? Why? Because it’s not yet time. I’m much more concerned with your spirit and soul than I am with your physical body that fades away. What if there was never a time again that I called you to exercise? What if I called you to sleep more? What if I only wanted you to eat cookies all day long? Would you trust me then? What if I wanted you to weigh more, then what? Would you no longer trust my best interests for you because they went against your own?
(Daddy Why is my outward physical appearance so important? Why is that how I define my beauty? What is my true beauty Daddy? Truth Lord Truth.)
You are a strong leader, a voice speaking truth that leads others into my beauty of Grace. You are a healer, a prophet, a mom, and a wife. You are a role model to those behind you and a visionary to those before you. You are sensitive and kind and you see my life in others. Your beauty is your kind tender heart much like your sons, but you are also physically beautiful even though you can’t see it.
(Why can I see it in others but not me?)
Because you don’t feel worthy of seeing it, you see yourself as less than because you weigh more than what the world says you should. You are ashamed and embarrassed by your body right now because it doesn’t look like you think it should. You have a standard set for yourself that is a sliding scale, even when you reach it, it readjusts so that you never really get there. Ask me what my standard is for your physical body.
(Daddy what is your standard for my physical body? I see a 16, I see me playing with Isaiah lifting him up outside as we play in the fall leaves. I see me walking Marley (my lab) and dancing with Jason, I see me riding bikes as a family and eating popcorn in front of the TV. I see me having coffee only for breakfast and knowing that it’s OK not to eat breakfast because I don’t’ want it and it’s ok to have a snack before bedtime because that is how you created ME.)
Friends we don’t have to play by the earth’s rules because we are not from this world. His rules say be happy, enjoy life, leave the work to me and allow yourself to see you the way I do. That is my prayer for each of us today that whatever battle is raging in your life that you would stop trying to fix it yourself that you would lay down the self effort and simply trust Him to bring forth what needs to be in His perfect timing, even if it doesn’t look the way you think it should.
Nehemiah 8:10 “Then he said to them, “Go, eat of the fat, drink of the sweet, and send portions to him who has nothing prepared; for this day is holy to our Lord. Do not be grieved, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.