Lately I have been so angry and exhausted at this battle I am in with my self-image. I have been struggling to see myself as Daddy has revealed to me and can not seem to yet believe what he shows me. I have realized that I have taken on a lie for my identity. Anything other than who he says I am is not the truth.
When I say I wish I wasn’t fat, or I wish I weighed less, I am identifying myself with something that is not who I truly am. Something that God doesn’t identify me as. Maybe some of you can relate. It may not be your body image but something else that you are taking on as your false identity. Maybe you are saying I wish I had a better job, wish I was a better, mom/wife/husband/friend, wish I did this differently, wish I didn’t-fill in the sin here. If that is you, than you too are identifying yourself with something less than who you really are. Who we really are is the perfection of Christ. We are filled with the very life of God inside of us. Maybe you struggle too to believe that.
I have allowed the worlds definition of beauty to define me. I have not been able to allow myself to just be me, and see the beauty in this creation of God. What has always baffled me is that I am fully able to see that beauty in others with no problem at all but when I look at myself I cannot. The world’s definition of beauty, the medias representation of what a beautiful person looks like is not me in my eyes. This unattainable image is not how I look, so should I then not see any beauty in myself? If I listened to the world no, I shouldn’t. I should try harder, exercise more, eat less, do more, be better, strive, strive, strive. Even in the church we hear the message our bodies are a temple we are responsible to be fit, healthy, active, strong, and on and on. I was so bound by these teachings it brought condemnation and guilt when I could not obtain the standard in my mind I had set for what that should look like. A sweet friend of mine asked me a very interesting question, “What happens then to those who can’t exercise, eat right, take care of their temple? Does God leave them, abandon them, what happens?” I started to think about that, I had never looked at it from that viewpoint and it seemed so ridiculous, of course God never leaves us, he promised us that. Did I honestly believe he had a higher standard for my body than others, that there was some sort of measuring chart that I wasn’t cutting. That opened my eyes to the depth of the lie.
I’ve battled with my weight since after my second abortion, 20 years ago. I’ve lost and gained, lost and gained, lost and gained, the same 20lbs for the past 20 years. No matter how much I lost though, it was never enough, because I was never what the world said I should be. It was killing me, it was stealing my happiness, peace, and joy. Twenty years are far to long for that being stolen away.
Please hear my heart, I’m not saying exercise and eating well isn’t important but what I am saying is when anything becomes your identity, your focus, your idol other than Daddy, you have a very big problem. You are missing out on the life that Daddy has for you, you are living beneath who you really are.
I’m not there yet but I know that he will continue to persuade me of who I really am. He will not leave me, or give up on me, or stop trying to show me of the truth of my beauty. It is in that, that I have my hope. It is in that, that I can rest and trust him to free me from this lie. I’m thankful for friends who see the true beauty in me, for friends who speak life and truth when all I am hearing are lies. This journey of freedom is well on it’s way and I can look back and thank him for the progress he has brought me to so far.
I pray that today we will allow our hearts to be persuaded of the truth of who we are. I pray that the lies of the enemy would be silenced that we would embrace the beauty of the uniqueness of who we were created to be.
YOU ARE AMAZING! EMBRACE YOUR WORTH!