Yesterday the Lord uncovered another lie (stronghold) that I was believing about myself. He showed me that I believed I was a burden and a bother to other people. He brought me back to when this lie first took hold and showed me that it occurred during my second pregnancy, that ended in abortion. (I wrote about that here if you’d like to read more about it.) He showed me that everyone around me that I loved was more concerned with how my pregnancy effected them and their lives that no one really took a minute to ask or see how it was affecting me. I heard a lot of “How could you do this to me?”, “Don’t tell anyone you are related to me”, “You are no longer welcome in our family unless you get rid of this child,” “You are destroying me life.” There was so much Me, Me, Me from everyone around me I was suffocating. (I hold no ill will to any of these people, I fully believe they were doing the best they could in that moment but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t deserve more, that was not God’s will for me.)
The lie took hold with a vengeance that I was nothing but a burden to others. I felt alone, very alone, and I had to deal with this all by myself. There was so much hurt and pain surrounding this, it was so deep I didn’t even realize it was still there. I felt so valueless, so worthless, so much of a burden and hinderance ruining everyone’s lives, so I had an abortion because that was what they said would solve it all. It may have for them, but for me it did not. I wanted that beautiful child with everything within me, my sweet daughter Suzanna would have been 20 this November, and I continue to grieve this loss to my life. I am thankful for Daddy’s journey of healing and I don’t think you ever get over losing a child, but you can get to a place where you can forgive yourself.
This season changed me, it lead me to not trust others, to rely on myself, to lose any sense of self-worth I had. I felt the new need to prove I was not a burden, to prove my worth. This became especially evident in my marriage, but really it manifested in any relationship where I deeply loved the other person including close friendships, and my family. If I loved someone so much, I didn’t want him/her to think I was a burden, so I set my aim to prove to them I was worth it. I would do and do and give to the point of exhaustion. Even when I was sick, I would make myself do, so Jason (my husband) and my children wouldn’t have to. Why, because I didn’t want to be a burden, I didn’t want Jason to have a reason to leave because I was afraid he would see I had no value. My value was tied to my doing, I couldn’t see any value in myself that would make others love me. I loved him that much I didn’t want to lose him.
When Daddy revealed this to me yesterday I was able to finally see and release the hurt and pain it had caused for twenty years of my life. I was able to see that I would not only do to be valuable but I would also push people away that I loved so deeply because I didn’t want to lose them. If I pushed them away first then I was still the one in control and they couldn’t hurt me. I was able to share all of this with my husband and he allowed me to just be in the pain, to simply cry in his arms and let go of the hurt that had hidden itself for so long beneath the facade of do.
Daddy showed me that the truth to the lie was the word extravagance, he said “You were made for Extravagance.” I feel like many of you need to hear that today, You were made for Extravagance. Extravagance means excessive and unnecessary expenditure or outlay of money, unrestrained or fantastic excess as of actions or opinions. Daddy created me, created you, to live in his extravagance. We are the outpouring of his extravagance.
I’ve lost many friends from this pushing away, and I know I’ve hurt many people, and for that I am deeply saddened. I was unable to love my brother like myself because I didn’t love myself. A sweet friend of mine that Daddy has brought into my life on this journey to healing once said to me, “You can’t make me not love you.” She said this to me after I was trying to push her away because she had gotten to that safe point in my life where I really was starting to care for her. Her simply words rocked my core, “You can’t make me not love you.” Never before had anyone said that to me, no matter what her love for me was unconditional. That my friends is the love of Jesus and we can not love others in that manner until we get to the point of being able to love ourselves. Blessings.